i love both you and the german language way too much
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Mittwoch, Juni 30, 2004
Went job-hunting with heather today, which was fun. I'm thinking I'll apply at claire's (yes i'm eleven), that little candy store, and all the baby clothes stores downtown...for the fall, not for now. i'll get around to it eventually. aaaaand of course it was delightful to see my heathers. it bothers me to no end that she stole shit though. that's not how capitalism works! (i'm sorry if you'd rather i not mention this here, but i figure if you're comfortable with your actions you're likely to be comfortable with my talking about them) and like...you can't claim to be the anti-westport, to be sick of our materialistic society and whatnot and then turn around and STEAL cute-but-extraneous piece of crap x because it's pretty and you want it and your parents won't buy it for you. I know my parents are monetarily way nicer to me than a lot of people's are, and for no good reason, so i shouldn't talk, but it's still blatantly not okay. when you don't have the money for something you want, you decide how much you reeeeaaally want it and then work for and save the money...then you prioritize what you actually want to spend it on. seeing something, thinking 'wannitnow' and taking it is such a bad habit to get into. so um. children of westport! no shoplifting! be good, upstanding citizens! and ummmmm drop out of school!
i also met cam marantz (how does he spell that, anyway?) and petey on the road today. i was minorly embarrassed at being so slow right now, but it was still good to check in with cameron. i think he's my favorite person-i'm-really-not-friends-with.
...relationships like that are cool and useful...like i've known him cordially for *counts* fourish years, but always in a math- or school-centered way. i feel comfortable talking about a lot of academic kinds of things with him, and i feel like i gain a lot from debates we have or comments he makes, but we've never been friends and i like that. i guess it's good to have an advisor who's not enmeshed in your personal/social life? or maybe just that i wouldn't have anything to talk to him about more than once every month or three. or that he doesn't need to worry about upsetting me or really worry about me at all...we can observe each other's educational paths curious to see how they work out, and wishing the best for them, but not being responsible for their success or for anyone's happiness...or. i don't know. in any case, i've always really appreciated that kid. he was a good person to do math with. and now he's a good person to discuss SATs or academic plans or unschooling or rei with. isn't it odd that rei is nothingness/politeness with occasional interruptions of self-doubt, envy, and generalized insanity, and cameron is nothingness/slightly-more-amicable politeness with occasional interruptions of positive/beneficial conversation. and c quins...just nothingness, i guess. poor c quins. if i ever saw him any more i would try to befriend him. though i guess that's easier said by a person who hasn't been around him since eigth grade. i hope he's happy/okay. i hope EVERYONE is happy/okay. my newest worry topic is the people at our school with no good friends. i'm sure they exist, but i never really thought about it because i always had my friends...i thought that kind of aloneness would disappear with the middle school queen bees etc. mindset, but it seems that plenty of people just get shafted. and that sucks supremely. i feel guilty for not noticing people who needed people to be close to and trying to get to know them, because i was too busy being socially content. i guess that's silly...but no, i still feel bad. and like it's too late. *group-hugs the entire high-school-aged population of the world* *and those who previously suffered in high school* *aaaaand those who have yet to suffer in high school. for balance*
9:20 PM
Dienstag, Juni 29, 2004
okay. well. that still hurts. don't know why i'd expect otherwise, but...ow.
9:51 PM
I don't understand why people hate or fear the dentist. I had an appointment today and he ended up having to drill one of my teeth and it was still all good. I've always found a trip to the dentist entirely relaxing.
In other news, I've a new phone! With an antenna and everything! It's not particularly nice or anything, but it makes me happy. My old (ghetto, according to Jenny) phone was really ready for retirement. So, yeah, I'll be reachable by cellyphone again. Huzzah!
8:11 PM
Montag, Juni 28, 2004
in a mood to understand the thing brian was talking about last time i visited them--about being constantly and eternally stuck in your own company. yeah, i could use a break from maggie ewing right now. she's getting on my nerves.
11:53 PM
i kindasorta planned the paper...if i end up sucking it and writing something short and crappy it's okay because it's infinitely better than not having something to turn in. i should word that concisely and get it tattooed on my body...might help me procrastinate less. i'm also using this moment (rather randomly) to reflect on the many wonderful people who love me...because that's a really comforting thing to reflect on.
2:19 AM
so now i'm all alone with the knowlege that i have to write this paper...hmmm.
if i were at cty i'd probably not be on schedule yet and would be all jittery in bed, talking to my roomate or to myself (myyyyyy self?). and i know i should stop doing that but i havent managed it yet so i may as well admit it.
*** maggie is on the phone. it is about 11 pm. mary the ra comes to the door and says, 'maggie? who are you talking to?'
maggie hangs up the phone in a hurry and says, '... ... myyyyyyyy self?'
mary says, '? oh. you...are? ohhkaaay...'
maggie says, 'babble babble babble i'm really nervous ap results come out tomorrow and i couldn't sleep babble babble'
mary says, 'oh don't worry honey you'll do fine! get some sleep!' and leaves.
the next morning maggie goes to mary's door and says 'i just realized i forgot to sign up for activities last night...can i do that now?' mary says 'yeah, that's what i was coming to ask you last night when you were on the phone.' ***
i had a single that year, no roomate
heehee. here's to awesome RAs. and to me being a badass. though i never did that again after mary caught/nearly caught me. i get too loyal to authority figures to break rules. i remember at baby cty having phones left in our rooms and just being expected not to call each other...and then we did one night and afterwards felt insanely guilty and never could bring ourselves to do it again, because of how we worshipped emma. it bordered on cultish, in retrospect.
12:10 AM
Sonntag, Juni 27, 2004
so the phone rang while i was cleaning, and i didn't want to get up and answer it again, and i have this whole thing about not answering the phone cuz we don't have caller id, so i just let the machine pick it up, and it was tricia, nora, and merry calling from cty and i didn't get to the phone in time to catch them and they didn't leave anyone's number (grrrrr) and WE DONT HAVE CALLER ID so i couldn't call them back and it was just so ridiculously frustrating and now i'm just thinking about them all finding each other and getting settled in and playing all kinds of stupid name games witht their halls and just...everything and i can't handle it. fuck. what's wrong with me? why is no one else so overpoweringly sad and incapable of accepting this??? God, i'm completely losing it. this hurts so fucking badly and every time i think i'm okay another wave hits me and i start sobbing again. why am i going to lancaster in this state? somehow i think it may help, actually...whatever. i have stuff to do. (
4:44 PM
Samstag, Juni 26, 2004
I'm tired of several things, but mostly I'm just tired. Livejournal wants me so bad. i can hardly resist its pull. but! (i told al and erin the 'however *points to butt*' thing today and al, at least found it funny. i am vindicated!) i intend to continue to try. i was also thinking that, a college mail complaint journal being really annoying, i should change it to a log of adorable things erin does. or maybe adorable things anyone does? but no. i think i talk about that here. anyway, please don't let me be ridiculous and stupid by talking about my silly bloggy things in a silly bloggy thing anymore. it's unbecoming.
we were talking again today about how we all have to pull a boy meets world (or any other sitcom, really) and go to a nearby college together. i'm all for making new friends (but keeping the-ee oh-old) but really everything is so comfortable and nice and easy and fun and adorable and RIGHT with certain people here that i don't see why we should be expected to give each other up (at least full-time, anyway) for strangers who may or mayn't appreciate various facets of our insane, stupid lovability. also the problem of understanding people in more serious matters, which allison kind of tangentially mentioned today--i often have such problems dealing with newer people, because I haven't learned how to read them. i can remember pondering the relative tranquility/lack of fighting (though there have since been a couple of interruptions in that) within our group of friends (i don't know if i mean the old historical group with a nearly-capital 'g' or just my friends/closer friends now) at some earlier time. the best explanation i've heard is that i've known some people for so long, spending years of change in their company, that we know how to interpret and deal with each other pretty automatically by now...i don't really think about it until i'm having a difficult or confusing conversation or interaction with someone i'm close to but haven't known as long/don't know as well...there are so many sides of a lot of people i just haven't had the chance to see and it's weird. not that i understand all of my historical friends perfectly or know everything about them, but like...just the stuff that you need for daily interactions we have down really smoothly. and when i'm with people with whom i don't have that level of...social ease...it's weird.
i started thinking about placing cty friendships within all that but i don't want to right now. i may stay at a hotel alone when (if? no, 'when', i think) i go to (college)visit lancaster. that'd be my first such experience, and one i'd be sehr glad to have.
12:50 AM
Freitag, Juni 25, 2004
The guy in my italian class is a triplet. So weird. His brothers are identical and he's the odd triplet out...wonder what that must have been like as a kid.
Aaaaand when I was in stop and shop just now buying salad fixins (how did I get chosen to do the salad? Be afraid.) I managed to procure, at ridiculously long last, a box of all-lite tampons. SO GOOD. And the beachypartylunch for which I'm making the salad should be fun. I'm thinking of wearing my non-prom sundress but I don't want to sunscreen my back...hmm. I hope people still want to come despite it probably being mo cold down by the water right now. But how could they not want to come? It's a superfun idea (for which the credit goes to me and xxx (sorry it's way too much fun to call you that :D )). So basically I'm molto excited all around.
First semester italian ended today too, which is slightly relieveing because it gives me a comparitive break for the next week so I can write my papers and do some math. I've been enjoying the class SEHR, and know probably fifth and sixth grades worth of the language. CTY should start teaching modern languages again.
Also I just noticed that I wrote this whole entry with caps and reasonable punctuation and such. Wonder why my fingers did that.
11:33 AM
Mittwoch, Juni 23, 2004
Strange-but-cool discovery: Anong the four non-me students in my italian class there are a vegan and a lacto/ovo vegetarian. 3 veg*ans out of five is ridiculous, and I think this is the first time I've come across another real live vegan...'spossible that I might have been introduced to some friend of patro's who was one, but this is the first more-random meeting and getting to know enough about someone to discover her veganism. yayfor improbability.
2:32 PM
Dienstag, Juni 22, 2004
i feel:
frustrated as all hell because i never got to run
guilty because of the conversation i just had AT scott
stupid and toolish becuase of said conversation and the fault in me that caused it
stressed because i have to go to class right now and i never got the fifteen minutes i needed to read, and more seriously because i still havent started working on my frost paper and i'm skating tomorrow night and i dont want to put it off til the weekend because who knows what's going to happen to me this weekend?
tired because i havent been sleeping enough
6:14 PM
Montag, Juni 21, 2004
hehe. italian. as we're reviewing idiomatic expressions with 'avere' (= to have), professoressa eliasoph does her suprise review thing, where she whips around unpredictably to point at people and catch them off guard. She jabs her finger at her target and talks quickly and kind of loudly or harshly...it's really quite threatening, and a few of the people in the class are scared of her anyway, so the following interchange struck me as beyond hysterical:
professoressa: Are you afraid to die!?
girl: (stammers)Yes, I am afraid to die.
professoressa: And you! Are you afraid to suffer!?
me: (momentary stunned/terrified look) Yes! I am afraid to suffer.
I don't think anyone else saw the full extent of the humor there. I guess language classes are minefields of 'burn the toast' moments.
3:32 PM
so um. i'm definitely not going to cty this summer.
1:04 AM
Sonntag, Juni 20, 2004
went to the beach with westport girls and stratford boys. it was less strange than it might have been. and i got to SWING
so i'm driving erin home from the beach and we've been talking about various pretty normal subjects, when she tells me that she's just decided we should have 'secret crushes'. and i was a question mark embodied. and she explained that we could pick people to pretend to be secretly in love with, and then we could always have something to talk about when we got bored. so yes, life in westport has come to this. i suggested that we get a journal with black paper and a bunch of milky pens and keep a record of our THRILLING interactions with our beloveds. then we could hide it and be constantly afraid that our mothers/siblings will uncover it! it'd be like middle school the way we should have done it. or not. erin is too precious to bear. i think i love her more every day.
in other news, priya is an enormous sketchball. but i love listening to her tales of sketchiness. some people should try not to live in michigan so damn much. it's really starting to get old.
2:01 AM
Donnerstag, Juni 17, 2004
Heh. beginning language classes make me laugh. Where else do complete strangers share their addresses, ages, and phone numbers (home and cell, with area code!) within an hour of meeting, and three days later ask and answer such bold questions as:
Is your mother fat?
Do you earn a good salary/a lot of money?
Is your father rich? What kind of car does he drive?
Are your parents happy together?
And somehow it becomes okay cuz you're speaking a language you barely know. Life is fun.
Who's coming to the yankee doodle fair with christina and me on the morrow? My cell phone gets some service in some parts of the house.
I think I should compile a list of the greatest sincere/unplanned compliments I've received, like people saying a casual nice thing that either helped a lot in the moment or was a really nice set of words. hmmm.
10:46 PM
wanna know something really funny? I still occasionally think of the chicken-and-a-half thing from that om hell week and it still really annoys me. actually i think of it almost any time i'm having microwave troubles, because i remember mrs boyce making some fallacious comparison to cooking on the stove versus cooking in the microwave. so yeah. the answer is six for imaginary chickens and nine for real chickens and i'm a silly silly girl.
2:18 PM
Dienstag, Juni 15, 2004
swimming and bouncing at erin's was so nice. I haven't done that in way too long. I starting bouncing like priya/a duck which was kind of odd, but funny.
on the way home from poetry i stopped to get gas and (what an old tale) left my purse on the roof. woops. realized it when i got to erin's so we went back and had an adventure. i'm not sure if my adult babysitter ought to let me run into the middle of post road, but it was necessary. My phone is mostly dead now, though (broken antenna).
i got carded today! for the first time in my life! huzzah!...ish. it wasn't even for an r-rated movie or some other seventeen thing...i only had to prove sixteenness. can you guess what for? of what does the sale to persons under 16 violate connecticut state law? you know what i'm talking about. SPARKLERS! YAY! it was quite funny because silly erin was making fun of my for being surprised that the self-checkout machine let me buy them without any kind of id varification bit, and then immediately after i got off the phone with her the guy asked me for id. so good. and these weird kids at the gas station asked me how old i was, presumably hoping to get me to buy them cigarettes or porn or something...hmmm. interesting night.
and i got an award. from staples. you know, that high school i don't attend? it's nice but i feel kind of guilty too...society for women engineers...shouldn't they have given it too like...rebecca? someone whose thing is science? *shrug* not the biggest deal i suppose, and i appreciate/am touched by the gesture of whoever put it through...most likely honeycutt and brose? I wanna find out and go thank them.
talked to brooke briefly today, about how we still need to pray/talk together (tentatively slated something for august, heheh) and about her school traumas and about her upcoming final year at band camp. its hard watching people go back to their beloved places or especially to cty. have the absolute most spectacular time you can wrangle, everyone, and i won't be jealous. just don't get distracted from the joy you should be living. actually that goes for everyone--don't let surface stuff get in the way of the serious fun you should be having! i feel like there's been too much of that going on lately, maybe in myself but certainly in others (wow i'm in the least introspective mood i can remember well). this girl in my italian class has a tatoo of the words 'exude soul' which is a lovely concept but i don't see her exuding much of anything and it makes me wonder (dammit *hums forever young*) how she's getting herself into a situation where she's stifled/unenthusiastic/not exuding soul. If you're going to tattoo something on your body i'd think it would be fundamental enough to you that you'd live it most or all of the time? I dunno...i just wonder what she's like when exuding soul and how she can/does get herself (back) there. she should.
11:09 PM
Montag, Juni 14, 2004
i couldnt sleep, which is not normally a problem i have, so i went upstairs and watched a sparkler and made some tea and omigosh i love tea. sometimes i forget how awesome it is.
oh and ask me about my bizarre dreams sometime. there was the one where peter henry died from alcohol interacting with his add medications and then when i went to take his body away it had turned into sean stewart as a child...or the one where where i was in this giant imax-ish place with like ten or fifteen tiers of seats, and there was this announcer person explaining this game in which each tier had a different movie studio assigned to it and was acting as a team, and then they would play really short clips and you had to identify the movie the clip came from if it was by your studio. i was in the disney group and i think hannah ginsberg was there too? and the barrier that seperated us from the lower tiers was like a blockbuster video shelf filled with disney movies and everyone else was really into the game, like they'd been watching lots of disney movies over and over to memorize them, and i was kind of just dropping in. I guess i challenged the dream world when i said that all of my dreams had been boringly realistic. now if i could only get to dreaming tonight. i think the tea is working its magig.
3:23 AM
Sonntag, Juni 13, 2004
oh and the sparklers have been such a joy. i definitely plan to stock up. and meeting pat/dan was an experience. i guess you can't endear yourselves to everybody...:p i just hope that all ends up not being awkward for allison. cuz the fact that he's a ridiculously reckless driver seems kind of a silly thing to interfere with her friendship with pat. and he sounded cool. and did i mention how much i love the sparklers? whenever i get annoyed or bored or happy or something i go and light one and it makes me smile or laugh. i love pretty sparkly firey things.
9:06 PM
so i failed prejuv.. i'm not particularly upset, though...i AM surprisingly tired, like i might be after a long run, not less than twently minutes on the ice. i think i'll reflect on the test more after i've had a chance to look at the tape and talk to suzanne about it. i got copies of the judges' papers and everything.
also my computer is being really tempermental. this explains my not being here that much.
also italian starts tomorrow and i'm excited
also i have this paper to write on prufrock and i'm nervous/unsure of what to say
also i started crying in church last night and couldnt say the creed or take communion. i pretended to sneak out to the bathroom and went outside where i could still here the organ well and cried.
saw andrea in stop and shop. i miss cross country.
patrick is around. i'm borrowing his apollo 18.
still havent talked to mom about the ged. hmmm.
all in all i'm in a really good mood currently. i don't think that's showing through this post.
8:57 PM
Donnerstag, Juni 10, 2004
our roses are blooming. and i bought sparklers today in stop and shop. didn't fireworks use to be illegal? I remember it being a big deal when the sheridans brought some firecrackers and roman candles and things for the fourth of july one year, or one other time when daddy bought some sparklers in the city. yeah, we never had any other displays of little home fireworks. hmmm. anyway, they're apparantly legal for sale to those over the age of sixteen now (though the self-checkout thing let me buy them without calling a person over to check id or anything) and so i shall have sparklers for (i think) the second time in my life. so pretty. :)
3:25 PM
what to do about cty-related sadness. i don't know. i'm seriously sick of numbing myself, but i don't quite know what's going to happen when i let go. grr.
1:18 AM
Dienstag, Juni 08, 2004
also i got a new nalgene from the fairfield u bookstore. it's orangish yellow like the one i had from hampshire, only i switched its original yellow top for a black one, and the effect is very sleek. so hot. nalgenes are so pretty when theyre new and unscratched. i still miss my pretty ruby-colored macalaster nalgene *tear* but this'll be a good new water bottle. i have yet to tell bubba :p
10:51 PM
heh. so last night totally shattered the confusingly boring dreams streak. I was at some combination of colonial house and camp aspetuck and cty and the only people there I can pin down were the mayor guy from colonial house, someone who was his daughter and this random girl i never knew at cty but whose face i remember fused together, only completely evil and out to get me, ryuu, and alok chatterjee. I think there were other people from my life, but i can't remember who. anyway, i really didnt want to leave but at the same time i was plotting an escape from this place. and all manner of purple pens and markers were significant? and i was leaving like a day or two before the bus that was taking the rest of the colony home, and because of this i was going to miss someone's birthday, and i felt really bad. strange strange dream. and what the monkey was alok doing at a quasi-girl scout camp? or that girl whom i totally never knew?? very weird.
10:45 PM
i've been dreaming oddly lately. not like weird, fantastic, vivid dreams or anything fun like that, but really realistic dreams that i've been remembering not immediately after i wake up but later in the day when something triggers them. It's really confusing, actually, because i keep not being able to keep track of what's actually happened to me...i drive up to see my brothers and i'm thinking about churches, the next night i dream i'm driving up to see my brothers and i pass by two or three churches. or i dream that i hung out with erin and allison and jenny and watched tv. or i dream that i had an uneventful im conversation with someone, orany number of really unremarkable everyday things that get stored as kinda-vague memories along with other kinda-vague waking memories and thoroughly confuse me. it's kind of funny.
2:17 AM
Samstag, Juni 05, 2004
i always forget how the house gets in summer...how paper feels different and towels never dry, how walking down the stairs feels almost like descending into water because the temperature difference is so stark. I like it. i like my house. i like living in new england. i was college searching with mommy and i told her that i'm really only comfortable with the corridor along I-95 between new york and new haven, preferably on the coast. she said there were regrettably few colleges there. i fear she's right. how am i supposed to deal with being many miles away from the water? or even with ocean beaches? i've never really swum in waves of any largish size...how could i live in california where it's hot and sunny all the time, or in minnesota where the snow starts in october? i'm really quite comfortable with the long island and vineyard sounds, with reasonable balances of trees and cities, and with the fahrenheit (sp?) scale making perfect sense. don't make me leave and have to find a way to make some strange northern, southern, western, or inland place feel like home.
1:39 AM
Freitag, Juni 04, 2004
should i get a livejournal? i always feel like such a stalker when i comment 'anonymous'ly on people's ljs. i don't know. i think i love you, dearest blog (*hugs blog*), in part because of the fact that you're NOT a livejournal. and i want to resist becoming one of those people with fifteen different things of this nature. hmmm. i refuse to get a xanga because they're evil. maybe i could live with another blogish thing if it were dedicated to one specific purpose...like a running list of quotes and conversations that caught my attention, maybe...but that'd still feel like i was robbing something from my dear ich liebe euch. it'd have to be something that i dont record here. running log? i kind of like my physical book for that. i'd say reactions to whatever i'm reading but i don't like the thought of compartmentalizing myself like that. i hadnt really realized it but i value this thing enourmously as an outlet for whatever passes through my easily confused mind. maybe i could devote the lj to stupid quizzes and other stuff that's not good enough for my blog? :p
the one thing that keeps coming to my mind is a record of the funny things erin does. it actually appeals to me a lot. i wonder if she'd get a kick out of that, or find it annoying/creepy...hmmm. erin? you awake? btw, today/yesterday was her birthday (happy bday erin!!) and i gave her this thing with my handprints on it and allison made her the funniest sweetest card. she seemed to enjoy herself/us...hope she was made happy and all that. theyre taking sat 2s saturday but i'm not cuz i forgot to sign up. typical of maggie. oooh i could make the potential lj a collection of quotes from college mail that bothers me. oooh. that actually appeals to me a lot. may go do that now.
2:35 AM
Dienstag, Juni 01, 2004
urgh. why is waking up of a morning so frequently accompanied by a realization of all the stupid things i did yesterday?
5:56 PM
|
|
| |
|
|
|
